''I searched for myseIf.''
Heraclitus, Vl century B.C.
- That won't do. It sticks out. - What does?
A fIoppy coIIar doesn't go with a tie.
And change your socks!
Come on...
Draw the curtains.
That sick guy wiII ogIe you.
He's terminaI, deserves a treat.
WiII this do?
Red and bIack... It's Iike Jeanne Mas.
Who's she?
An 80s Iook. Like Mitterrand.
I'm not sure I want thatjob.
We spent a year abroad
to escape him.
I'm not ready to dive back in.
Don't forget.
As aIways. Be cooI.
A bit snobby and cooI.
You teach that to your pupiIs?
So?
It's OK.
But wiII it wow them?
It'II do.
As Iong as you feeI at ease.
I have an appointment with AIexandre TaiIIard de Vorms.
The Minister.
My name's Arthur VIaminck.
Excuse... You understand?
No one speaks ItaIian in this Ministry?
I understand, but no speak.
It's unbeIievabIe!
Good fortuna...
Mr. VIaminck? FoIIow me, pIease.
Thanks.
Come in.
I'm here to see the Minister.
- Mr. VIaminck? - Yes.
Mind waiting. He's winding up a meeting.
Agnes wiII show you in.
How are you, paI?
You're a hard guy to find! You dodging me?
Even harder than Commander Massoud!
Don't deny it! You're a Iefty, and to you I'm a...
See that?
Mitterrand's birthpIace is on that gIobe!
We're on a sinking ship.
And when a ship sinks,
where's the right, where's the Ieft?
- TeII me. - It's true, the Ieft...
May I pour you a gIass?
A modest red Burgundy. Interesting.
You Iove books. Look what my son just gave me.
Your hands cIean?
Watch out, it's a first edition.
See that?
Bottom of page 80.
Read.
You see it?
No.
''Where there's a wiII there's a way.''
Oh, yes.
Mao took it from Lenin,
who got it from HazIitt,
who stoIe an EngIish proverb that came from...
China.
FuII circIe!
I need a team, Arthur.
A commando.
Responsive peopIe, who move 24 hours a day.
A commando!
The worId's 50-year baIance has been shattered.
9/11 made the Americans aware
of both their power and their weakness.
As we speak,
the neoconservatives are honing a ''security'' doctrine.
The doctrine of preventive war.
You hit someone,
''sniffing out'' he poses a threat.
Preventive action. Pit buII tactics.
Dangerous.
Right now, America is isoIating itseIf.
And because of that,
it's in danger of going bIind.
One country obsesses the US: Lusdemistan.
A dictatorship?
Sure it is, with an arms program, rumors...
But is that a reason to attack and bIow them to heII?
Sir,
the Prime Minister is on the Iine.
TeII him I'II caII back.
He wants to discuss his news channeI
to resettIe our tuna-fishermen in the SeycheIIes.
Sorry?
Where were we? TaIking about serious matters!
Ah, yes. America.
There, the hawks think they understand the worId.
But they don't.
UnIike the French, the British, or even the BeIgians,
they don't understand Africa, or China,
or the Arab worId.
Or know who invented zero in maths.
We have to avoid aII the pitfaIIs.
The pitfaII of fear,
of resignation,
and worst of aII:
the pitfaII of ignorance.
The US Secretary of State
has a team of 80 peopIe. With huge resources.
We're bareIy a dozen. It's a very smaII ship.
It's not even a ship, it's a barge, a canoe...
a raft.
But on this raft, I've chosen the best.
You're young, but your fine mind is highIy praised.
Don't Iet me down. I have faith in you,
and I need you on board.
I'm very honored, but...
I'm entrusting you with what's most important.
Language!
Evening.
He aIready gave you a night off? You tamed him?
Were you cooI and snobby?
So what did he offer you? Honduras?
Why Honduras?
Our favorite vacation spot. You toId him?
He offered me ''Ianguage''.
Language?
What's that? Teaching them eIocution?
Language means...
Using the right words.
A minister can't spout anything. One word can set off a worId crisis.
They'II expIain it aII to me.
Can you stand a right-wing guy?
He's for the generaI good.
And his chief of staff is a Iefty.
He wants to stand up to the Americans.
So he's perfect. Superman.
Handsome to boot.
Is he as sexy as on TV?
WeII... That's not the probIem.
He's a man with a vision. Who's searching.
You're Iike an earIy Christian.
Or a guy who never had a dad.
You'II be briIIiant.
You'II find things for them to say. So they needn't do them.
Things that are smart...
Funny...
Perverse...
Perverse?
Yes.
''StruggIe is the father of aII things.''
Heraclitus, Fragment No. 129
So you're our new Ianguage guy?
I'II check if Mr. Maupas can see you.
Not another
question about the Gaza Strip?
Mr. Maupas can see you.
Deputies' questions have become an ordeaI!
We spend more time expIaining than working.
To heII with these extra questions.
SpeciaIIy from the right.
They harp about the 1967 borders
but don't know where they begin and end.
Mr. Maupas?
The President's on the Iine.
Yes, it's me. Put him on.
Every Wednesday since I took this job
I haven't had a sandwich.
Now we'II have Tuesday questions,
and soon the Senate on Thursdays.
They want us to Iose weight.
Arthur, I'm so gIad you've joined us.
AIexandre said you'd be handIing Ianguage.
You'II be our onIy functioning brain.
AII of ours are aIready fried.
I think what's most urgent
is putting you on the Minister's speech to the UN,
and the BerIin and Grad schooI ones.
I warn you, he doesn't want traditionaI speeches.
He says they need ''groundbreaking thrust''.
Groundbreaking?
Yes.
Not easy to cook up, but good practice.
Mr. Maupas? l'll put on the President.
This is SyIvain Marquet, our man for Europe,
who can fiII you in a bit.
SyIvain.
Meet the overworked Stéphane Cahut, our MiddIe East man.
Overworked, but underfed, Mr. Marquet.
I praised you to the boss. A pre-emptive action.
Worm your way fast into his software.
But wear a suit with matching pants and jacket.
Avoid bIack ones, bIack ties and square-toed shoes.
That's a bodyguard Iook.
Another thing.
If anybody mentions NATO,
say: NATO, No Action TaIk OnIy.
That's pro taIk.
Or Nato-rious for useIess. It's a running gag.
OK...
But what's next?
Finding you an office. None are vacant. And a contract.
- You're not a bureaucrat? - Not especiaIIy.
This won't be easy.
You'II head a ''mission'': an occuIt one.
OccuIt?
InvisibIe, undetectabIe, proven non-existent.
Not part of the formaI team.
Or we'II exceed our quota of advisors.
As for your dipIomatic passport,
they're getting very fussy.
But where do I go right now?
To see the Head of Staff, who'II say no to you.
- No, to what? - To everything.
The Head of Staff? Maupas?
No, he's the Chief of staff. This guy's Iogistics and stewardship.
That's administrative.
No, admin is something eIse.
It's geographic: Europe, Asia, etc.
Above are a feuding PoIicy Head and GeneraI Secretary.
And aIso independent non-geographic divisions:
Economic Affairs, Strategic Affairs,
CuIturaI Affairs...
Thanks. It's getting crystaI cIear.
Fuma? Any news from Mayotte?
OdiIe?
FeeIs better when things caIm down.
A first: an advisor on my turf.
I'm ''occuIt'', OdiIe.
Act as if you can't see me.
That'd be a shame.
When can I see Maupas? I don't know our position on this...
Are we pro or con Germany in the UN Security CounciI?
A chocoIate?
You didn't stress ecoIogy enough!
CongIomerates get the subsidies. Our farming is intensive...
Not exactIy.
BIue and green boxes caIcuIate environmentaI compensations.
Can we taIk about reaI issues now?
Know how many died in the Ephron attack?
Sorry, can I see you about the speech?
Sure, Arthur. I'II caII you as soon as I can.
HeIp yourseIf, Cahut.
Can I taIk to the Director of Strategic Affairs?
Yes.
HeIIo, sir!
I'm Arthur VIaminck, I'm preparing the Minister's BerIin speech.
He asked me to do that. So there's two of us...
Yes... Maybe we shouId chat?
Got any talking points?
You available in 2 hours?
Who are you? Where are you calling from?
Sir, about Germany...?
What's this crap about NATO?
By the way, sir...
''As French Minister of Foreign affairs,
''it is my soIemn conviction...
''that Germany
''must now have its pIace...
''a fundamentaI pIace''...
Have a cake, I made them.
You eat nothing.
Patricia, a cake?
Your predecessor said the first draft was for martyrs.
Whose cat is that?
Mr. Maupas' cat.
ActuaIIy, his predecessor's cat.
And he kept it?
Yes.
With the furniture, the furnishings...
And his sneakers.
Can he caII me back in 5 minutes?
PIease...
WeII...
Arthur, yes...
it seems very good to me.
When wiII you show it to the Minister?
You shouId show it to him yourseIf.
He's very anxious to see it.
Good Iuck, Arthur.
Go on in, Mr. VIaminck.
- Sir...? - C'm in!
The speech, sir.
Thanks, paI.
You're way off.
A huge amount of work is needed.
Like mentioning the Great Lakes confIict in Africa.
That's an expIosive affair.
Everybody's dodging it.
But that's on page 10, sir.
We have to taIk about it!
It needs structure!
There are 3 key principIes today.
We don't stress them! We aII negIect them!
ResponsibiIity.
Unity.
Efficiency. That's action.
But Germany and the Security CounciI...
Don't be Iike dipIomats with a broom up their ass!
You're above that.
Yes, but what do we say?
See Maupas. But redo it from scratch.
The Great Lakes confIict is on page 10. Didn't he read it?
Let's soIve the probIem caImIy, Arthur, huh?
Put the Great Lakes on page 1.
That way he'II be happy.
But...
WiII he read it?
He reads?
It's better.
What about Lebanon?
- We must taIk about it. - It's on page 8.
We must taIk about it. I said: we need structure.
Legitimacy. Lucidity.
Efficiency.
You said: ''ResponsibiIity, Unity, Efficiency.''
In fact, that's what we're doing.
Take page 1, that's Iegitimacy.
Page 5 and page 6, are unity.
And the end is the whoIe question of efficiency.
Yes... No! Everything is on page 1 !
After that your speech goes round in circIes!
It needs to pound things! Hammer in the naiI.
AII this is soft matter.
On Lusdemistan, aII heads of state wiII be in New York.
They're idiots. With no time to think.
So:
Legitimacy!
Unity!
Efficiency!
Or it means war!
It's why we must Iet Germany into the Security CounciI.
We shouId make a gesture.
The British are against us on Lusdemistan.
You committed to it with the ChanceIIor in Frankfurt.
Then we must back them. If we committed.
But you aIso committed to the Greeks and SIovaks.
We can't Iet the Greeks and the SIovaks in.
Let's not back anyone.
What matters is the MiddIe East, hence America.
Drop your European fricassee. It makes no sense.
But you must discuss it with the President,
if you're dropping Germany.
The President...
He caIIed me 3 times re a cuIturaI attaché in Fiji.
At Ieast taIk to the Germans,
to warn them. Out of courtesy.
You're right, CIaude. CaII them for me.
Thanks for your heIp.
Not at aII, you did very weII.
Is that bit about Germany true?
I'II eventuaIIy convince him.
The Greeks and SIovaks, we'II see Iater.
So I Ieave that part bIank.
But I didn't stress Africa. How far can I go?
For that, go and see nice VaIerie.
She'II give you the good taIking points.
WhiIe you're at it,
check what the other advisors think of the speech.
It'II make their day.
I toId the Minister your thing was fine, to do you a favor.
In fact, there are probIems.
Legitimacy, Unity, Efficiency.
Between us, it's hot air. He wants concrete things.
And you overinduIged in the verb ''to be''.
That verb doesn't ''speak'' to him.
He Iikes active verbs.
Mr. Ambassador,
this fiIe is a big mess.
On paper it Iooks very smart
to put pressure on the Jordanians to get at the Saudis.
I too Iove 3-cushion biIIiards...
If everyone's pIaying on the same tabIe.
They haven't been on speaking terms for ages.
Even wart hogs know that.
So...
Dickie, you'II have to redo your speech.
Mind if I caII you Dick?
No.
SeriousIy, is what I wrote OK?
SeriousIy, he'II make you rewrite it ten times.
So you might as weII get cracking.
- Got yourseIf an office? - Yes.
- Where? - In the wing opposite.
The Germans are doing a wait-and-see.
The US, mostIy the neo-cons, want a war.
The Brits, as aIways,
foIIow them Iike sheep.
The Lusde Embassy confirmed it.
You know, Arthur, Africa is speciaI. It requires physicaI contact.
But you, somehow, figured out what's essentiaI.
Your speech covers aII the basics.
You just got here, and you're an ace.
Dunno, I just...
The Great Lakes, what did I forget?
Nothing. You handIed the Great Lakes very weII.
What doesn't work is this:
that coIIar...
the rumpIed jacket...
And your shoes.
They're weird and don't shine.
I brushed them 15 minutes this morning.
FataI error.
DipIomats don't use a brush. They spit-and-poIish them.
Here, form and content are one and the same.
Your toecaps
shouId be my makeup mirror.
We don't work that way, without head or taiI.
A UN speech is a bigger deaI than a panty raid.
For the MiddIe East, he'II consuIt me.
Or simpIify it aII, and set off a new confIict.
The Lusdemenites are many ethnic groups and reIigions.
Type that up and make 10 copies.
It stinks. It won't do.
What Arthur wrote is fine. That's not the probIem.
It's trying to cover it aII in 10 pages, in AriaI 16, for the bIind,
boId, doubIe-spaced...
Cahut, you're an expert, who knows aII the bends in the river.
In New York, I'm speaking to heads of state.
They won't toIerate that many cIichés.
The African stuff is way off.
There are gaps, errors, approximations.
On the Great Lakes confIict,
the truisms wiII cause smiIes.
No truisms! They kiII a speech. You're right.
You shouId've consuIted her, Arthur.
We must rebuiId it from scratch.
It Iacks structure. I've toId you endIessIy!
1) ResponsibiIity.
A crisis must be answered.
2) Unity.
No country can soIve them aIone.
3) Efficiency. Why?
Because our duty is action.
The worId is interdependent,
so we must aII act with the UN.
That's what matters. The rest is bunk.
Sir, you're right. Legitimacy, unity, efficiency,
and then we move on.
CIaude, what do you say?
AII this stuff about action
and interdependence is fine.
The most important thing is deaIing with Germany.
Germany is a partner, who we need
in the current situation, Iike it or not.
And in every major one, if you Iook carefuIIy.
AbsoIuteIy. In any event we'II back Germany.
Who, anyway, wiII never get enough votes.
AII that is your sIop to dish up.
Which is a great pity.
Europe shouIdn't be run by sordid usury schemes,
board of directors' pIoys,
bureaucrats fretting over fish stocks and raw-miIk cheese!
Europe
must be a vision and symboIs!
I totaIIy agree. We'II deaI with it.
You see,
I said your speech was headed for muItipIe rewrites.
You can spread the pages in your new office.
That is bigger than mine!
DumontheiI's a weirdo!
I showed her the speech: she OK'd it aII.
DemoIishing you in front of the Minister,
is a way of screwing with you.
I'm serious. That's ministeriaI sex Iife.
You'II get to enjoy it too.
When you shaft someone, you don't mean any harm.
It's an amorous gesture.
And if they're good, they'II shaft you right back.
It's Iike a caress, you're making Iove...
Ream my little triangle
Tweak my dewy rosebud
lt's time for jingle-jangle
l'm longing for a stud
Those tufts you love to crimp...
I teII you, you'II get to Iike it.
Fondle that little shrimp...
The usher downstairs is cooI.
- Here. - Thanks.
Hey, your new office is nice.
A bit messy, but...
Got a secretary? What's she Iike?
ViriIe. He's a guy.
He said here dirty tricks
are how they make Iove.
ReaIIy?
If you do her, wiII she become nice?
Introduce us. I'II know if she's cooI.
The guy who toId me that sang a crazy song to me...
When they stuff my...
No...
My peninsula needs reaming
Guess what's hot and steaming?
l'm longing for a stud...
Not bad,
I'II teach it to my pupiIs.
Mr. Minister?
Arthur, where do we stand?
Coming aIong, sir...
I'd say pIodding aIong.
I know how to fix your hodgepodge.
You know Hector MarIier?
The great poet. ''SoIitude Reversed''.
We're friends. He'II caII you.
He'II add some zip to your thing.
Go to it, paI.
You couId've sung him that song.
Excuse me.
Mr. Vlaminck? Hector Marlier, here.
Hey, Hector MarIier!
AIexandre said you were in deep shit,
his words, and I couId heIp.
I don't need gIory, just trying to heIp.
Hector MarIier...
Check him on the internet!
No internet here.
ReaIIy? You have no internet?
Even my grade schooI does! In the burbs!
Nope, we're not aIIowed to have it.
We have our own communication system operated by ''Le Chiffre''.
''Le Chiffre''? You in a Bond fIick?
No, the number guys, the encryptors, are down there!
Under the yard?
No, on the other side.
Under the garden. Under the fountain.
Under the fountain?
They encode aII messages with ''safe'' aIgorithms.
Just for today, here's what I got from them.
Every Minister here tried and faiIed to get rid of this system.
It's an uItra-powerfuI union.
We're the onIy worId-institution without the web.
The Finance and the Interior ministries have it... Not us.
My speech, corrected by that idiot!
Let me see.
''In darkness, peace never dies.'' Hector MarIier.
''The piIgrim, ferryman to the future.'' Hector MarIier.
Product pIacement! He's quoting himseIf!
''On river banks, Iie stranded hopes.''
MarIier, you're reaming our rectangIes!
Shit, how do I get out of this one?
It's a probIem...
Just incIude a few of his quotes.
Like which? The piIgrim?
The piIgrim's fine.
CIaude?
Can I heIp you, Arthur?
I have a probIem. A friend of the minister's.
At this hour?
Hector MarIier.
Yes.
I put two quotes from him at the start.
You're Iearning fast.
Re Germany, it's OK. We're backing them. It's definite.
I taIked to the minister again,
who had enjoyed his meaI.
''One can mutate, restfuIIy.''
So Hector, what do you think?
Listen, AIexandre,
there are two texts in the text.
The part you wrote is exceIIent. The whoIe beginning.
As for the rest,
your guy cobbIed something
out of his ''unity, efficiency'' thing. lt's not like you.
Thanks, Hector.
About my Legion of Honor medal?
You got it?
Take the second part of the speech, cut out aII the fat.
AII we need is sinew, tendons and nerve tissue.
The opposite of mutton stew.
- ''Attitude''. Add an ''s''. - Where?
There. ''Attitudes.''
An extra crease.
It's not an extra one.
It's the cut of the pants.
ShouId I wear this or that?
That's prettier.
But I Iike red.
You Iook great.
Very good. It's Iess dicky!
Unity. Efficiency.
HeIIo, Arthur.
Don't expel the Jingoulou family!
We need more parent support.
- They're grandparents? - Yes.
Let's get moving: we've got Iots to do today.
The Minister wants a statement on Turkey fast.
As it's Wednesday, we'II try to find
a quick question that'II suit the House.
Yesterday no Iunch: the Bahrain question.
It's getting to be a pain.
By now our fabuIous ParIiamentary attaché
wiII have convinced a deputy to ask a question.
It's aII the majority is good for.
Hi!
So, Miss Normandy, how many did you wow?
Cut out the Miss Normandy crap!
Were you actuaIIy Miss Normandy?
Find a new gag, OK?
I got you a sucker for your Turkey question.
Here we go, no Iunch again.
And tomorrow we'II have the Senate.
So who's the stooge of the day? Maxime Dubos?
No, the majority had quaIms.
I did better, I found you
a bonus gift...
A Commie, Jacques Duferrand.
Communists are easy to convince. They adore TaiIIard.
Stéphane, give us ideas for the Minister's repIy,
and Arthur you poIish it aII,
on a singIe
A5 card.
The way he Iikes it.
I'm due back at the bar. The House's hotspot.
Duferrand agreed to ask the question,
but wants it written out. Who's the Iucky guy?
Arthur!
Since you're writing the answer,
write the question.
Punch it up a bit, so it rings true.
It's time we quit pIaying this game,
where the same guy, mostIy me,
writes the question and the answer.
First it makes a sham of democracy,
and it's aIso starving us.
In my tiny attic office,
and I mean tiny,
you can't get in a sandwich.
Even a ''cIub'', a thin, trianguIar one.
AII cIub sandwiches are trianguIar.
See, I've forgotten.
GIad I finished the speech Iast night.
WeII, don't be too optimistic.
This morning, he caIIed Jean-PauI Brizon.
His phiIosopher paI,
''ResiIience in the Projects'',
the concept he peddIes in every fIavor on TV.
Now we'II get swamped with ''resiIience''.
I don't know what it means, but we'd better be ready.
''ResiIience in the Projects''
is sheer vacuity, pure mush.
Trendies caII it ''Soft knowIedge''.
Quit IadIing this soppy stuff. We've had it to here.
The question was feebIe. The answer got by.
On paper. But not oraIIy.
You've never spoken in the House!
Your words don't fIy. They stay grounded.
Look at the Mayor of Paris,
he needs no notes, his words fIy.
ExceIIent statement, Minister.
OraIIy, you're the best.
Thank you, Bruno.
What did I say?
''A fooI who must orate is frozen with fear.''
TeII the Emir, he shouId ''be aware of'' French expertise in radar.
Say his kingdom wiII pIay a Ieading roIe in the MiddIe East.
You know that our radars are the best.
Your kingdom wouId greatIy benefit from France's expertise.
Your area can't depend on the United States.
You're bogging me down in pissass stuff!
I'm not an arms deaIer!
I'm breaking my butt for peace.
You make me peddIe guns
Iike neckties or diIdos!
PIease transIate exactIy what the Minister said!
Mr. Minister,
if we don't regain a foothoId there, aII your fine speeches...
This isn't to do with speeches!
It's poIitics!
Shit! Your buIIshit made me hang up!
Martine, caII back that idiot!
Sorry.
Martine! I haven't got aII day!
They're not picking up. I can't force them to.
Listen, paI. I was setting up the basics of our negotiation.
That's been done. So now you're in charge.
Stuck in your goo.
Arthur, what's with this speech?
We must discuss the IsraeI-PaIestine roadmap.
In Lusdemistan the Brits are...
It's better!
There, we shouId hone a few things
on the Lusdemistan crisis. And emphasize...
So emphasize, Cahut! It's urgent!
Last week's work can't wait untiI tomorrow.
I have to do it aII myseIf.
Your fantasy speeches wiII kiII me.
In this IowIy worId, don't settIe for comfort.
Urgency is the backbone of action.
AIexandre,
we have a rather urgent probIem.
Can I see you a minute?
Not your Germans again?
A ship manned by our guys is burning in Lusdemistan waters.
With 200 tons of fueI in the hoId.
Our ambassador says the ship is drifting to Lusde.
4 miIIion inhabitants. Ready to expIode.
Are terrorists invoIved?
No, it seems to be a dumb human error.
Dumb? CouIdn't they have done it off Corsica!
AII the Neocons want is
an incident in Lusdemistan to send in their Marines.
We can't Iet WorId War III be started by a cigarette!
Let's concentrate.
We must regain controI of that ship.
You must aIert the President. And the Minister of Defense.
Shit, not her!
I'II make a few phone caIIs.
We have operatives in the area. I know them weII.
Is something wrong?
You know what'II happen. After your phone caII,
the Defense minister wiII want to take over.
She'II make waves and compIicate matters.
We'd better handIe this tactfuIIy.
You know her.
OnIy press conferences interest her!
Make a deaI with her.
Let her do the communicating,
if she gives us a free hand for one hour.
If I haven't controIIed it by then, she can take over.
Let that dodo do the communicating?
I need an hour without interference.
The US State Department,
anyone want to chat with them?
Before advising the US,
Iet's taIk to the Lusdemistan ambassador.
I have some info,
but I must see you aIone. They need an answer in 10 minutes.
This is a decisive moment where the cabinet
needs the heIp of the administration.
Bertrand CasteIa, Strategic Director.
Maybe you don't know,
but a ship's on fire off Lusdemistan.
But don't worry, I'm monitoring
the situation very cIoseIy.
Listen, what wouId reaIIy heIp me,
is if you did nothing for the next hour.
I need to concentrate a bit.
MeanwhiIe, try to move forward on other issues.
Between us, there's no Iack of them:
There's Turkey,
the Great Lakes confIict,
the West Bank,
the SeycheIIes' tuna fishermen,
the anchovy war with Spain.
If someone handIed the Maronite Patriarch
for me for one hour...
Who...?
VaIerie maybe?
The Maronite Patriarch?
Thanks, CIaude. Just what I needed.
OdiIe, put me on the encrypted Iine.
Make sure no one sets foot in this office.
Arthur, you dodging me?
Sing us that song? How does it go?
The triangIe and the rosebud?
Ream her little triangle
Tweak her dewy rosebud
Huh, VaIerie? Tweaking the rosebud?
I just adore macho ribaIdry!
With you, France is in good hands.
Try harder, and you may reach puberty!
Don't be miffed at me.
If it's because we disagreed on that speech...
You can do better.
I showed it to you: you said it was perfect.
Listen,
''Water that boiIs, never forgets.''
Gabonese proverb. Think it over.
You peopIe OK? Not overworked?
Racing your motors? Don't burn out!
Come, Arthur!
CIaude, where do we stand?
We're at the controIs. I hope we make it out of this shit.
That's aII I can say.
Yes?
Robert... So it's aII up to you now...
The probIem is, it takes retroactive homothetics.
Arthur, I want a press reIease on that.
We made a deaI with the Ministry of Defense!
We can't Iet those creeps get the credit, when we do the work!
It's stiII pretty fucking expIosive. We need to be cautious.
Yes, Bernard.
How are you doing?
- Arthur? - Mr. Minister?
Is my speech to the Grad schooI good?
Yes, sir.
You see how things happen. Here! Now!
One needs an innate sense of action, of urgency.
TaIIeyrand's days are over.
Today dipIomacy isn't done in paIace backrooms.
Where they pissed in the stairweII!
It means being ever ready for worId crises.
We must say that.
Sir, the Danish Foreign Minister awaits you.
Shit, I have to deaI with that Dane!
This job is pure crap!
Him and his bicycIe. We've got nothing to say.
You shouId meet with him.
He's important: he has cIout in BrusseIs.
Yesterday I had the SIovenian!
CIaude, my boy, do your best.
What a dumb Ianguage!
HeIIo, StanisIas... Yes.
How Iong wiII it take?
- Is he in? - No, no! Mr. CasteIa!
- He's busy? - Yes.
Odile, come in.
My counterpart at Defense
was shocked he wasn't toId.
As no one's informing us...
You're essentiaI to this whoIe affair.
I'II inform you first, as soon as I hear.
OdiIe, pIease.
It can be sent now.
Thanks.
Claude, we're headed for a disaster!
The Minister's father is here to see you.
Say I'm in a...
Attorney, what a nice surprise!
Where is my son?
With the Dane, Attorney.
Not ''Attorney'', CIaude.
I said caII me Antoine.
Yes, sir.
TeII me...
the kid's speech in New York,
wiII it be originaI at Ieast?
Because we have
many fIaws in our famiIy, but we've never
Iacked guts or originaIity...
He mustn't spout technocratic mishmash,
especiaIIy in New York.
It was there, in the HoteI Astor, that De GauIIe said:
''I appIaud New York,
''the center of exchanges
''between our oId, yet young, continent
''and your New WorId,
''which is aIready oId in the history of mankind.''
Our oId continent...
That took guts.
No, no...
Leave the detaiIs
to the bureaucrats. Right, CIaude?
Listen,
I wanted to be of more heIp on this New York business.
But you'II have to figure it out yourseIves.
I'm Iess Iistened to these days,
I'm shriveIing up,
disappearing,
swept away in the shipwreck of oId age.
But I'm with you...
Inside us aII, is an oId man fiddIing on.
Thank you, sir.
Where's my boy?
Put StanisIas back on.
You OK, CIaude?
The ship's nearing the coast. We may not make it.
Listen, I need 5 minutes without a singIe souI.
I'm sorry, sir...
I'II pick them up for you.
I'II put them back in order.
There...
It's weird, I can't find page 4...
Take your time, we're not managing any crisis here.
We're totaIIy cooI.
There it is...
The war can wait.
That'II do.
There.
WeII, where do we stand?
I'm waiting for news.
In 2 days, I Ieave for BerIin and for New York in a week.
A week means tomorrow!
Those speeches just won't do!
I won't spout techno-junk even to grad students.
I'II Iook ridicuIous! This job is crap!
And the New York speech is worse.
That's where,
in the HoteI Astor, De GauIIe said:
''I appIaud New York, the center of exchanges...''
Take it.
19 degrees,
21 minutes...
You want my death?
This highIighter doesn't work.
Martine! TeII me:
why buy me highIighters that don't work?
Look, the feIt tip is mushy.
This crisis couId become WorId War III.
I can't face the U.S. State Department with a mushy highIighter!
You said you'd rewrite the speech yourseIf.
So I bought you a brand new pen.
A ''RoIIer TendoI'', fine point, No. 3.
Martine you understand nothing
about writing.
It's gathering.
Like a bee from many fIowers.
For that one needs a highIighter.
Don't trust eggheads with Ieaky pens.
They write crap.
One has to see things cIearIy.
By highIighting!
We can't Iet the Lusdemenites intercept that ship,
or our Ministry of Defense send in their Iouts.
To the Lusdemenites, it'II be an act of war.
Look at this:
you can teII this book's a dud.
No highIighting.
Here, I highIighted the whoIe book.
Now that's a good book. Heavy!
FuII of hard concepts.
AII yeIIow now.
To know if a book's any good,
I hardIy read it, I highIight it intuitiveIy.
Know the probIem?
Your worn highIighters! The yeIIow ink trickIes out.
See, when I highIight, the paper gets wavy.
The better the book, the wavier it is.
And that bugs me!
Arthur's BerIin speech...
It isn't wavy, not one bit.
That means it's Iousy!
I'm managing a crisis in Lusdemistan...
I came to see the Minister.
He's aII yours, sir.
...whiIe the President frets about a fugitive bear...
The ship was diverted from its path
before entering Lusdemistan waters.
Our guys got evacuated.
And the fire is under controI.
We're Iucky to have you, paI.
''If aII things became smoke, the nostriIs wouId know them.''
There's nothing.
Here you're quoted. 3 paragraphs. The Minister of Trade gets 3 Iines.
''Tom Cruise''! 3 more than he deserves.
You saw? Things are heating up in Ubanga.
It'II bIow up on us. Fine, we're not busy:
just a threat of war in Lusdemistan, PaIestine,
nucIear tests in North Korea. Peace and quiet!
So in BerIin, what do I say?
That damn ship grabbed our time. I'm bareassed.
Ship or no ship, I aIways am.
I'II have to start waffIing...
Then what?
VIaminck's a nice guy,
with his square-toed shoes,
but where are my taIking points?
Who's he?
The minister's encryptor.
The guy under the fountain?
Le Chiffre, who encodes wires.
Why's he here?
He foIIows the Minister, so we can send wires.
You send them often?
Never.
This speech has been force-fed. Why Lusdemistan, if it's on Europe?
He wanted it there.
Learn to say no.
The Minister wants to see you.
Show me your gouIash.
I won't read it on that thing.
I was integrating your corrections.
It didn't start that way. Where's the beginning?
Higher up.
Higher than what? It's not on the screen!
No, wait I'II...
That's not it: it's Iost!
You did paper-and-paste, the machine ate it.
No, it's been saved...
You're useIess on your gizmo!
What's going on?
An accident, it seems.
We can't spend aII night. Come, Arthur.
I do the work, you guys goof off!
On the pIane back, I want the new Grad speech
and the new NY one on the risk of war.
Go to it! Action!
Think the Americans Ioaf Iike you?
They're a team of 30 peopIe! And I'm...
I'II do whatever you ask, but I need an office.
Mr. Ambassador, you have a spare one?
Yes, CIaude?
Not a great speech. The Homeric metaphors feII fIat.
Ancient Greece isn't big here.
A Ioad of shit's hit the fan.
So, is it ready?
Sorry.
I had Maupas on the phone. A hostage-taking.
Where?
Africa, the Great Lakes. A reporter disguised as an NGO.
We advised him not to go.
Dammit! I'm not the Good Shepherd...
rounding up his fIock!
The guy was doing his job. We must get him out.
Find me an office and a secure phone.
I stiII haven't peed aII day.
LuckiIy, nobody gave me a gIass of water.
Your speech is ground meat!
Beyond its sheIf Iife! It's oId hat.
It needs depth,
historicaI references, heart.
Quote the great buiIders, great unifiers,
Euripides, Montaigne,
Erasmus, Jaures,
Zidane!
It needs muscIe, not mush.
Beware of the Germans' reaction,
who disIike any reference to the Nazis,
especiaIIy if it's bIatant.
Say the same thing, but more positiveIy.
- No, that's no good. - It isn't?
No, he sounds BeIgian.
To me you've never Iooked cuter.
Jogging time.
Run! Grenade!
To upset the Russians, sIam the Iranians.
To upset the Iranians, caII them Arabs.
To raise heII in the MiddIe East,
bring up Lusdemistan.
The Americans do aII three at once.
We're caught in the IandsIide!
- That's Cahut? - Yeah.
The amazing one is Maupas, Chief of Staff.
If I got it right, when he says ''Good Iuck, Arthur,''
it means ''You're in deep shit.''
''Bravo, VaIerie'' means ''Once more, you're fired.''
When you're right, what does he say?
Nothing.
How does Maupas stand the Minister?
To him, TaiIIard's Iike a noisy upstairs neighbor.
Disrupting, but you can function.
Is he for a PaIestinian state?
Nope, no oiI in PaIestine.
But Lusdemistan has tons, so TaiIIard Iikes 'em.
Wait, you on a neocon payroII?
You must think
there are weapons of mass destruction
under Lusdemistan's paIace.
Why not?
Under the bedroom is safest.
Why not?
Or under the bed. SIeeping on a warhead is fab.
Does wonders for sex!
No, but reaIIy,
TaiIIard doesn't give a hoot about oiI.
Just between us. He's a ham. Don't say he isn't.
I wiII.
He's the exact opposite.
An actor takes a text, finds a way to say it.
But for TaiIIard,
I must find his kind of words, or it gets dumped.
Goof, and the worId's abIaze?
Sure.
You're cute. He's not as sincere as you.
He's not an actor.
He's an anti-actor.
Does your anti-actor make anti-decisions?
Can your anti-actor do anything concrete?
- Arthur! - Sir?
I want to be on the 8 PM news tonight.
Latest, by tomorrow.
Re the anchovy-fishing war with Spain.
I'm sick of idiots cIogging our airwaves.
It's a very technicaI subject.
Both sides are guiIty, we may trip ourseIves up.
The probIem is
the Prime Minister has screwed up again
with asinine and confusing comments.
We must eIevate the issue.
PeopIe who watch TV
must reaIize we see this worId as it shouId be.
We must soar higher.
Anchovies aren't the probIem.
The worId's probIem is fear.
It's aII in here.
HeracIitus:
''Lightning ruIes everything.''
That's a crystaI cIear statement!
Arthur, dig into it. Make it a weighty argument.
It says it aII. Lightning!
I don't get this anchovy war.
The French said their fishermen were oceanographers?
By-passed the anti-fishing ruIes?
It's a Ioad of crap.
It's compIex to expIain.
At this point, knowing our minister as you do,
if I were you, I wouIdn't be too technicaI.
Instead, can't you
find a few quotes
from HeracIitus
and cook up something that sounds fairIy normaI?
Right.
''Among monkeys, the handsomest is ugIy.''
''Pigs prefer mud to cIear water.''
What?
As HeracIitus said,
anchovies prefer swimming in Spanish waters
to ending up in French trawIers.
''Character is man's demon.''
Character is man's anchovy.
''AII men wish for
''seIf-knowIedge and good thinking.''
AII anchovies wish for...
seIf-knowIedge and good thinking.
How are we doing?
Go ahead! Enjoy!
I'II have to Iay out the basics again.
But I won't highIight it aII for you!
At random!
This one is for you:
''A fooI who must orate,
''is frozen with fear.''
Frozen! Like an anchovy.
''When present, they're absent.''... OK.
''Men whose wishes come true, feeI no better.''
Like fishermen. Bigger catches,
mean fewer anchovies Ieft.
''Extinguish excess more than fire.''
Hear what HeracIitus says?
''Extinguish excess more than fire.''
Dear sir,
Iet me teII you this:
what's true for Spanish fishermen is aIso for French ones.
We shouId reach out to one another.
Look beyond our interests. Overcome our fears.
ControI the fire.
There Arthur, you Iead into the fear that pIagues us.
Each topic Iets us soar higher.
Like Ignatius LoyoIa's spirituaI exercises.
That's how you ruIe the worId.
With thoughts. By forging a vision.
It's a spiraI.
No need to be a rocket scientist!
Bye, Marie!
We'II have a meeting to go over our scheduIe.
We'II try and keep it shorter than usuaI.
Let's start with today. 9 AM:
BiIateraI with the ChiIean.
They must be here, and have started.
10 AM Cabinet Meeting.
Everything ready? The Minister's fiIes up to date?
Yes, he got it aII Iast night.
I meant to teII you, I got a caII from him.
It's aIways the same thing...
He wants to reduce his taIking points:
the President wants them shorter at the meeting.
Less than 3 minutes.
They're down to the essentiaIs.
Make it the quintessence of the essentiaIs.
Focus on a few topics that are hot in the media.
OnIy that interests them in cabinet meetings.
No point in bringing up arcane stuff.
Then at 11 AM: start of the Geneva sequence,
the NATO meeting.
There we must be super-prepared: it may be tricky.
Wait! There's a Iunch date at 1 PM in his private agenda.
MoIIy Hutchinson, NobeI Prize for Literature.
Are you sure?
That won't be possibIe!
Yes, it wiII!
It's in bIue ink, highIighted.
Do as you pIease.
It's rock-soIid.
Yes. Between us, Martine,
I know it's important to Iunch with a NobeI Prize winner,
but, anyway, the Minister is a minister,
and the NATO probIem is aIso
very important.
We have to teII him niceIy to postpone his Iunch.
Shit, took me 3 months to set it up.
I wanted to meet MoIIy Hutchinson.
Is there a probIem?
No...
So untiI 6 PM we're in Geneva, then back to...
Arthur?
My taIking points for MoIIy Hutchinson?
You wanted taIking points?
Get to work, paI.
Meeting a NobeI Prize winner, what do I say?
I need briIIiance, inspiration.
Or eIse, why make me meet peopIe?
Yes, AIexandre,
this Iunch is a probIem.
As you know, there's the NATO matter...
NATO... Nato-rious, useIess!
Yes, whatever you say.
But with this mess in the BaIkans and Kosovo...
NATO, ''No Action, TaIk OnIy!''
In fact, we're trying to figure out
how to switch your Iunch with the NobeI Iady.
Not a chance!
Yes, but I thought...
Next Monday you're seeing the Croatian,
we canceI that, and repIace it with PoIIy Wortington...
MoIIy Hutchinson!
CanceI the Croatian...
You're grabbing me by my feeIings!
No way!
We've postponed the Croatian 7 times.
TeII you what: we canceI the Croatian
and we keep MoIIy Hutchinson.
I want my cards before the Cabinet meeting.
I'm so bored, with those idiots rattIing on.
WhiIe they spout, I reread my index cards.
You got me a highIighter?
- With a decent tip? - It's on your desk, sir.
Ready for your next writing session.
OK, paIs!
Action!
NATO shmato!
Arthur, keep this Iunch
short and sweet.
We Ieave at 1:30 PM Iatest.
Sir... Your cards for MoIIy Hutchinson!
Mr. Minister...
I prepared you a NATO card. Read it in the meeting.
I can't read that.
It's rumpIed. Like out of a swimming pooI.
I'm not a Iifeguard.
There.
Thanks.
Need anything eIse?
No, I'm fine.
Thank God the Cabinet meeting's over.
A whoIe batch of new Iaws.
Read them, give them to an aide, whatever.
It's a piIe of shit.
Otherwise, nothing to report.
The President re-briefed the PM, who re-briefed the Finance Minister.
That dumb bear who boIted came up again.
Other than that, same oId shit. It's pathetic.
But guess
who I'm Iunching with?
I know. We rescheduIed everything for it.
Want to come?
If it'II heIp get your mind on NATO.
Why not?
Bravo for that NobeI Prize!
For once, poetry is in the spotIight.
With you, they chose an aII-round artist.
Let's say I try to keep my eyes open.
Your eyes open... And your ears pierced!
Let's have Iunch.
How did I get trapped?
You'II be fed!
To your NobeI Prize!
Your cards corrected, sir.
What cards? Don't staIk me with that NATO stuff.
You have cards on me?
Not at aII,
I don't need index cards.
I hate them.
What's this, the JingouIou famiIy?
Urgent?
It's a mistake, sir.
I have a first edition of Rimbaud's ''The Drunken Boat'', I Iove poetry.
Your poetry, your sensitivity,
your power.
Literature is aII about power,
the aIIiance of courage and cunning,
of the comic and the tragic, the robe and the sword...
That matters,
and today one can see it cIearIy.
After 3 000 years of civiIization,
we face the most troubIed period in human history.
Mankind is about to destroy Mankind.
NucIear crises,
fratricidaI wars...
And what do those hacks brazenIy do?
Those wart hogs?
I'II teII you, MoIIy,
they write index cards:
dream up taIking points.
They fIitter around, chat, Iisten, induIge themseIves,
whiIe war rages.
It's raging in the MiddIe East, in Africa,
soon it may rage in Lusdemistan.
It rages aII around you.
In you.
Hence in the worId.
What reaIIy matters in Iiterature,
what writers shouId say before writing...
The sacred fire within you,
Iets you decipher the worId Iike a chiId.
Let her get a word in.
What do you think of aII this, MoIIy?
That one must be consistent
with one's words.
I enjoy Iistening to you,
but why does France back TotaI OiI in Burma?
It's Iike backing the junta.
They imprisoned a woman,
Aung San Suu Kyi,
who was IawfuIIy eIected.
There, MoIIy,
TotaI OiI,
the Iess oiI they seII, the better I feeI.
If I wasn't trapped in this dipIomatic ruckus,
I'd write 5 books a year.
Writing! That's reaIIy Iiving!
I see them aII around me,
trying to snare me,
aII those who are ruIed by fear.
The enemy in poIitics, as in Iiterature, is fear.
It's the pIoy of the weak... The pIoy of NATO.
Even in Turkey.
Yet...
Who deIivers the words of wisdom in VoItaire's ''Candide''?
I'II teII you.
The dervish.
The Turkish dervish! Think of it.
Right, I don't understand why the US
wants NATO to intervene in the MiddIe East.
You see, CIaude,
I don't get it either.
NATO,
I'II die before I know why we need it.
I won't go to Geneva.
They can have their meeting
without yours truIy!
Chatting with you was more constructive
than being stuffed with the war on TayIorism...
Terrorism...
The TayIorism of terrorism...
Arthur, take it down.
Remember, MoIIy:
what matters in Iiterature, is the sacred fire.
MaIraux said:
''OnIy two things matter for mankind: courage and cuIture.''
You aIready have the cuIture.
You know, MoIIy,
inside us aII, is an oId man who fondIes on.
FondIes on?
You're the champ. You get the Oscar.
MispIacing the JingouIous in your cards. Not very wow!
You owe me another stab at it.
The parents aren't in France, the grandparents are being expeIIed...
Say you won't forget.
Promise!
You shouId've insisted. Your guy goofed.
You were too nice. We'II get nowhere, Iike that.
Besides, he can ask him a favor, it's no big risk.
Listen, Arthur and I evaIuate our own risks.
Anyway, there's onIy 2 choices:
his job wiII make my Iife heII,
he'II get home Iate, canceI dinners and vacations.
Or I agree to share my Iife with Tutankhamen.
He'II Iive with us, breakfast with us, move into our Iiving room...
And I make sure Arthur and I have fun.
Wait, I can't do everything.
Go to New York, save the JingouIous,
attend dipIomatic dinners. At Ieast one thing too many.
Yeah, going to New York.
About that dinner, I onIy said it was iffy!
They'II be with wifey, you the onIy bacheIor?
I can't heIp it, it says ''with their spouses''.
It's about cabinet unity.
Are we a coupIe or not?
Most coupIes who Iive together aren't married!
They shouId know that!
There's a simpIe soIution.
We get married.
So you can come to the dinner. We have 2 weeks.
You're nuts.
Take me to the dinner, then ask me to marry you.
''Wisdom: speak the truth, act Iike nature.''
3 days is 3 shirts, pIus one.
3 ties pIus one. 3 shorts pIus one.
And my rubber ducky.
I'II pack a sweater too. New York can be icy.
In this one, you hardIy see the hoIes.
Poor baby. Then we can throw it out.
No, it's my favorite.
Is there any more room?
I stiII have
3 reams of paper.
There'II be a dozen rewrites of the speech...
You're a VIP now. Can't you get paper in New York?
It's not the same size.
Shorter and wider.
He couId make me redo the whoIe speech.
You figured you'd do it 15 times, anyway.
3 days'II seem an eternity.
Don't worry.
Let's make them seem even Ionger.
Minister, any news on the runaway bear?
Reporters: the 8th pIague of Egypt!
My friend Jean-PauI François.
DeIighted.
He may get the Goncourt Prize.
I read your Iatest book, ''A WorId in Tears''.
The Iast but one!
We've got some time. We can rewrite it aII.
Jean-PauI?
Sit down.
What bothers me is...
Is a vision... Sorry, thanks...
a too hasty vision of America...
The US is a rich, compIex country.
Don't taIk of US poIicy, but poIicies.
Or reduce aII Americans to the neocons.
LincoIn, a RepubIican, aboIished sIavery.
The US has many heritages, a ''doubIe inspiration''.
Sit down, Jean-PauI.
Like BaudeIaire.
Jot it down.
Sir, it's a speech to the UN, not a PhD oraI!
The CiviI War or New DeaI won't fit!
Why not? You need History,
depth, to move peopIe.
Americans must understand I Iove them.
Even more than they Iove themseIves.
How couId they?
30% eat in their cars.
Jot it down! We must say that!
Sir, it's not the subject of your speech, you said so!
We're addressing 191 UN member states on specific issues:
Lusdemistan, the danger of war.
PreciseIy. The speech must have heart!
Via a story, an anecdote. SuddenIy, wham!
We say we won't back their scam.
France won't commit to RepubIican bIowhards.
But you can't ram them head on.
It's a rich, compIex country. Each state is different.
Like Vermont and Kansas. Take Iowa, for instance...
Where aII U.S. presidentiaI eIections start.
- Every primary. - That's it.
''The Bridges of Madison County'' was shot there.
That's a unifying concept.
Got it? Get going!
Sir, if we change Iines, we shouId consuIt Cahut.
Cahut, fine. CaII Cahut.
I hope I'm not invading young VIaminck's turf.
No.
Is he reIated to VIaminck, the...?
DistantIy.
A conventionaI painter. Too much sky.
BuckIe up, Jean-PauI.
Mr. Minister?
Dear Stéphane, I asked Arthur to meIIow the New York speech.
Anyway, it's dense and Iopsided. It doesn't hit the mark.
Sit down, Cahut!
And buckIe up.
I never do.
BuckIe up. We're taking off! It's a safety measure.
You'II become a human cannon baII.
We must hit the mark. TeII me:
what preciseIy, offends you?
Sir, offends, no.
Anything you add, wiII worsen the probIem.
Like reading the TaImud to condo-owners.
These are the ruIes: 191 States, 191 Ministers,
191 speeches. Ten minutes each.
PreciseIy, every minute counts!
They must be weighty, deep...
CompIex!
Watch your head...
DipIomacy is a bitch.
I hope there's no turbuIence. I get airsick.
No, not that! It's off-topic and too Iong!
But he wanted it. Damn, he's the one who'II say it!
Sorry...
The Lusdemistan bit is OK, no?
The anaIysis of internaI imbaIances?
Yes, it's simpIified, but accurate.
And I know: I was our number 2 man in Lusde for 4 years.
This speech's probIem is the tone: it's a monster.
Frankenstein taIking to Snow White's 7 dwarfs.
But what matters isn't what's said on the podium,
but behind the scenes.
Impressive,
aII that energy for a speech nobody wiII Iisten to.
A wasted SWAT team. Bravo.
Thanks. Your good spirits are contagious.
He couId demoraIize an anthiII!
My wife is fed up with this crap.
You're Iucky, you have no famiIy.
Now I've stained my pants with their damn mayo.
Seen ''The Bridges of Madison County''?
MeryI Streep!
- Hi, Christian - Hi, Sir.
Come, Jean-PauI.
- Where's Picasso? - VIaminck is sIated for vehicIe 2.
He can print in the car. I need the text at the hoteI.
Get in the front.
Thanks, I'm a bit nauseous.
VIaminck can't go in the 2nd car with me.
It's my pIace. I won't share it with a cub-advisor.
The 3rd car's embassy, the others fuII...
Stick him on the bus with the press.
Where's the bus?
A page is missing.
''The fIutter of a butterfIy's wings.''
Is that to impress them?
Right.
The eIevator makes me queasy.
Look at that, Jean-PauI!
I'm here...
They don't deserve to be in my speech.
Mr. Minister? There's a hitch.
Wait, Jean-PauI. Thanks.
Bravo, CasteIa. Nice start!
There's been a Ieak.
A reporter got a page of my speech.
And those sIobs distorted it aII.
I never had it.
He opted for the reporters' bus.
A speechwriter can't do that.
I didn't.
Why not hoId a press conference?
- I was sent there. - We have to redo it!
Because of you, or thanks to them!
Anyway, Ieak or no Ieak, it was Iousy, we had to redo it.
Let's get going!
Cahut! I want a cIear summary of the Iast 20 years in the MiddIe East.
Using simpIe words, for once.
Christian! Answer that asshoIe!
One paragraph, maximum.
CasteIa!
One scaIpeI-hewn paragraph, on the roIe of the UN.
Get to work!
Jean-PauI wiII goose you.
So there's some brains up your asses.
Some compIexity...
Arthur, you put it aII in your bIender.
Make sure it's watertight!
Let's do it!
Arthur, come. We'II go pee.
Sir, I didn't opt for the bus...
I know that, Arthur.
Arthur, one day
the President said something...
fundamentaI:
''In the Iives we Iead, you do things as they come.
''You have time to eat, you eat.
''Time to fuck, you fuck.
''Time to piss, you piss.''
FuII stop.
Sir, I wanted to mention something.
A famiIy, nice peopIe, are in troubIe at my fiancée's schooI.
The JingouIu? Urgent?
There.
Good oId MoIIy.
It's aII in there.
Stick it in my pocket.
I'II Iook into it. We'II try, by and by!
So you have a fiancée?
I wanted to stress ''horror''.
No. You have 2 important words:
fear and suspicion.
Friends, we just got the news.
The US gave up uniIateraI action, to go via the UN.
We won.
HardIy. They'II go to war, but with UN approvaI.
I rewrite page 2 to congratuIate them?
This means a resoIution in the Security CounciI.
No time to poke 'em with a sharp stick.
We must appIaud those creeps, act phony.
Such pIeasure!
Do we revamp the speech? Not easy.
Not coming to the speech?
I get cramps at his speeches. I'II wait in the haIIway.
You're right. Take a nap.
And ask for a cushion.
For your records.
That was Frankenstein.
I toId you:
heads of State are Iike condo-owners, not phiIosophers.
Interested in the stairweII, not the worId's future,
wary you're out to get them.
The Americans scrubbed the facade,
dazzIing us, even if they bIow up the city.
It's the pits for us!
They'II invade Lusdemistan as they want,
but, worse, make the UN Iegitimize it.
WhiIe we wrote an ode to autumn Ieaves.
We've been sideIined.
- ExactIy. - ExactIy what, Cahut?
No, our fIatfooted speech had one virtue:
it set out our position, our stand.
Now we drive in the naiI:
we won't set one toe in Lusdemistan.
I'II teII you: contrary to what you beIieve,
we're a step ahead of them. We drew a Iine.
On one side there's spirit, vision,
on the other, oiI, vested interests,
the neocons.
You've read Tintin comics?
You read Tintin?
Remember them?
Why do you?
In Tintin, the stakes are huge.
The moon, America, bIack goId...
But Tintin is the rhythm.
One paneI Ieads to another.
Reaching the right side,
you're Ied on. UntiI the end of the page.
The bearded guy...
Capt. Haddock?
He trips on the pipes,
bumps his head,
jumps into the jeep... On to the next page!
You can't heIp it. And then...
On a whoIe page
is a rocket...
It's gigantic.
Red and white. 100 meters high.
We're doing the same.
A speech, peopIe Iisten.
Take sides,
they soar.
They're facing the worId.
I'm dizzy. Get me off that roIIercoaster!
It's not that, it's the Ghost Train.
ExactIy!
The Ghost Train:
it scares you.
You're terrified!
In front of you, there's a nation: the Lusdemenites.
NucIear threats. Want to ram them?
Not me.
The first thing I do, is sit down at a tabIe
and Iook the guys
straight in the eye...
Sorry to interrupt. There's been a coup in Ubanga.
80,000 resident French nationaIs.
Get me Maupas.
We'II wake him up.
No, he never sIeeps.
What's the time there?
10 AM here, means 3 AM there.
It's winter time. 6 hour difference.
With both on winter time, it's not 7, it's 5.
No, 6.
Right now it's 6 hours.
- It's 5. - No, 6.
Who cares!
CaII him!
So it's 4 AM.
I've got him.
Things are moving fast.
Oscarville airport is cut off by the rebels.
lt's out of control. l may bring you home sooner.
I'm Ieaving earIy.
''Wanderers in the night: sorcerers, reveIers maIe and femaIe.''
Right now, any excesses are possibIe.
The rebeIs are marching on the capitaI.
The government says France is behind it.
We can't stay out of it.
It'II bIow up in our faces!
Had a good trip?
If it's Banshis versus Tanas, it Iooks gIum.
Off the record, shouIdn't we taIk to the Americans?
UnIess you aIready did having fun in NY.
At the UN. But the UN's aImost the US.
The US is out of it. They won't heIp.
In an hour, the media wiII attack us. On Africa, they're speciaIIy dumb.
We shouId feeI out the President. This is about Africa.
By the way,
I spoke to him, he tried to reach you.
He's worried about the runaway bear,
right now.
It's stiII Iost in our Pyrenees.
We can't wait for a bear, to stop a civiI war!
Sir, the President's busy with the Canadian.
It's beginning to stink.
The Ubangans are sIaughtering civiIians.
Get the President out of that Canadian!
He's on the Iine.
Mr. President, we must put out a fire before it bIazes.
ls that Heraclitus? l hear you're an expert.
It reIaxes me
between two bear hunts.
Listen to me,
you want to talk Banshis versus Tanas.
l'm aware it's serious.
But how will it end?
Play for time.
But Mr. President, time is against us.
I know N'Bika, he'II burn his country to stay in power.
To avoid a Rwanda-type genocide,
we must send UN troops to freeze the confIict.
At once!
That means bringing in the US. Bad timing.
It's urgent, Martine.
President N'Bika is on the Iine.
PauI, you know France is a friend. Be Iucid.
You want to set aII Africa on fire?
We shouId evacuate French IocaIs now!
Know what that entaiIs?
Given the number of French, we can't handIe it.
Let's heIp those who want to get out.
Without making aIarming statements.
Let's go to the House. Try and caIm them.
France must Iive up to its duty!
But...
Beyond our own citizens,
we can't ignore our historicaI ties!
France has a duty toward Ubanga.
That's why, under a UN mandate,
troops must be sent to Ubanga.
SoIdiers wiII be sent to OscarviIIe!
President N'bika's faction
is holding anti-French rallies.
ln Oscarville there are pillages, looting...
To heII with their criticisms.
Me a coIoniaIist? Let me Iaugh!
To Iighten the mood, there's some good news, sir.
Lusdemistan gave in:
they sent the UN a fuII report on their weapons program.
The bad news is it's 12,000 pages Iong.
I gIanced through it
Iate Iast night and earIy this morning. It's interesting.
There's a bit of everything:
how to buiId a pIane, suras from the Koran,
Lusdemistan train scheduIes, the price of museum tickets.
ProbabIy even the recipe for appIe-pie.
Armed strife has begun.
PeopIe are panicking. And the UN troops haven't dug in.
We must caIm things down. Have an aircraft readied.
But the airport is under mortar fire!
I don't give a damn. Have UN soIdiers protect the airport.
We have to keep moving.
We mustn't fear the fIame.
I shaII enter the fIame.
I'II become a fIame!
Take it down, Arthur.
Keep moving, whatever happens.
Are you sure?
The door!
I came peacefuIIy to Ubanga.
To soIve probIems, not create them.
Let me taIk to them.
These peopIe back President N'Bika. I came to taIk to him.
I'm ready to taIk to them.
Sir, it's bad timing. Get in your car.
You'II be safer in your car.
Let my car through. I'm going to see President N'Bika.
STOP TAILLARD THE MICROBE
You got a cease-fire in Ubanga after an eventfuI visit.
I met President N'Bika at the presidentiaI residence.
I aIso met Commander BokoIo in OscarviIIe.
Both agreed to go aIong with us,
the onIy responsibIe path.
- I just spoke to VaIerie. - I know.
Yes, Mr. Minister.
I'II put him on, sir.
It's him.
Now we have a cease-fire, we must mediate.
Yes. Mediate, AIexandre.
Banshis and Tanas live in the nearby countries.
We must contact other heads of state.
No more bilateral stuff.
We stick 'em in a room till they agree.
Enjoy, Arthur.
Very weII, thanks.
Get me the Prime Minister of Zambara, pIease.
Get me the President of Baruna.
I want to taIk to HercuIe Banzi, in Kiruana.
How are you, Tabo?
Like us, you want peace in Africa.
''Weariness is sIaving over the tasks you began with.''
Hi guys! Your wives weII? HoIidays good?
AII set for Extra Vacation Time?
Let me teII you.
We've got the method. Now we stretch the antagonism.
It's in HeracIitus. I highIighted it:
''They do not understand that what opposes you
''is what you are for.''
We need a handbook for crisis soIution.
There's handbooks for making friends, beef stew,
writing books, a ghastIy thought!
Books one writes aIone.
A cIear handbook for crisis soIutions:
a universaI handbook.
Get on to it tonight, whiIe it's fresh in your mind.
''The aim is to improve the situation of French citizens...''
I think it's fine now...
''... that they'II onIy agree to upon reaching the soIution.''
''On the terrain, around a tabIe, under UN supervision,
''can we soIve aII confIicts...''
''and reach universaI peace'', OK.
''revive the fire of civiIizations...'' Nothing Iess!
Your parents need a cease-fire.
We'II invite them both to dinner.
We Iock 'em up tiII they make peace.
Under UN supervision? You'II need extra chairs.
You got the cheese?
Guess not.
I couIdn't find a titIe, so I caIIed it ''Anti-handbook''.
They're not anti-fragments! But fragments!
Neocons aren't anti-idiots. They're idiots.
But MaIraux wrote his ''Anti-memoirs''.
Was he an idiot or not?
OK, paI!
Keep at it. This is usefuI.
We're moving a heavy Ioad.
I'm a big bearer of good tidings in this office:
UN arms inspectors may now re-enter Lusdemistan.
But things are sure to go as wrong as possibIe:
the Lusdemenites wiII hide their equipment bit by bit,
even if it's Lego pieces.
Inspectors wiII be shown empty rooms.
The US wiII make unacceptabIe demands,
Iike inspecting aII the king's underwear.
So it's under controI, and may expIode any minute.
Don't say that, if one shot is fired, he'II want to head there.
He'II charge in through the buIIets...
I confirm that. He's immune to danger, he's mysticaI.
He's become an African sorcerer.
Arthur, where do we stand? We're off to New York in 2 days.
I'II put him on.
It's the Minister.
New York's in 2 days. You realize?
We'd cut that in the oId version. Why's it back?
But the new one's aIready oId.
The new-new one, has bits from the oId-oId one.
Look, I did a summary of part 2. On UN inspectors.
The oId first one? Weren't you rewriting it?
No, I'm concIuding the 3rd part.
We must keep that. Or we can't pick up there...
I found the same bit twice, here and here.
OnIy twice? You're Iucky.
Some idiot has stuck
''tweaking the rosebud'' in the bit on Lusdemenite reIigions.
And that Iine about France, an ''oId country''.
It's suicide. HeIp!
No, he definiteIy wants that.
Don't yieId!
I know how badIy he wants it.
Let him decide, once we've done aII the rest.
Come on, next!
Concentrate, everyone!
How must I teII you?
In Morse code? Semaphore? Aramaic?
I don't want a speech. I want to fIy to the points.
No sentences, you're writing sentences.
Don't wax IyricaI.
Words.
PrincipIes.
Facts.
We're taIking before the Security CounciI.
To the worId!
What's going on?
It's to thank you.
For what?
They got a residence permit.
The famiIy I toId you about.
Your anti-actor scored points, dunno how you did it...
Lucidity,
efficiency, fraternity!
Why didn't he teII me?
It makes me reaIIy happy. Both things do.
It's soft.
Thanks.
Guys!
It's now or never. If you have to Iob a grenade, Iob it!
Did you write that?
No! This time don't swipe my car.
You have a IoveIy scarf.
A gift from my first ex-mother-in-Iaw, 40 years ago. So I treasure it.
His first ex-mother-in-Iaw? I don't get it.
Right now nothing's easy. Watch your step.
A premature miIitary intervention
wouId harm the internationaI community's unity
and undermine
the Iegitimacy of its action and, in the Iong run,
its efficiency.
In this tempIe of the United Nations,
we are the guardians of an ideaI,
the guardians of a conscience.
The heavy responsibiIity,
and the great honor which are ours,
speII out giving priority
to peacefuI disarmament.
And it is an oId country, France,
from an oId continent Iike mine, Europe,
that teIIs you that now.
One that has known wars,
occupation,
barbarism.
A country that doesn't forget
its debt to the freedom fighters
who came from America and eIsewhere.
A country which has aIways stood up
in the face of History,
and before Mankind.
FaithfuI to its vaIues,
it wants to act resoIuteIy
with the whoIe internationaI community.
It beIieves
in ourjoint capacity to buiId
a better worId.
I thank you.
CouId Demosthenes have done that with pebbIes in his mouth?
He's caIIed PoI Pot!
Where do we stand?
We must act, unafraid of the fIame.
What idiots!
I enter the fIame.
Dumb door!
I become the...
The fIame!
SubtitIes: A.WhiteIaw
SubtitIing: C.M.C. - Paris